All of my surroundings became a blur and all the noise in the world became a silence to my ears. This happened when I asked myself the question “Why?” I did not ask why my father never calls, why the world goes round, or why I am here.. I just simply asked why? For some reason it had felt like the biggest and most difficult question I have ever asked myself or been asked by anyone else. I have gotten to the point where I don’t even bother anymore, with anything. If someone betrays me then I let them, if someone hurts me then I let them. I have been broken down so many times that I cannot be put back together anymore. I smile and I laugh in front of people but in the inside I really do not care about anything going on around me. I have always predicted that all the pain and anger and sadness I feel would turn to numbness one day and that day has come. She can pull my hair, make my life hell, and say every insulting word ever imagined but she isn’t breaking me down anymore. He can look at me with disgust, tell me I am a waste of time, and never talk to me again but he isn’t breaking me down anymore. There is nothing left of me to poke and judge. There is nothing left of me to hold and love. Trust is worth as much as a word to me, nothing. A pill though, that is worth as much as my pain. The importance of our stress relief is equivalent to the pain we feel. The more suffering someone feels the more of that relief they will need whether it be a bible, love, or a needle. Let’s think about a time when everything had felt as if it was going to come to an end. What did we do? Did our pain go away just by talking about it? No. Did the welt in our hearts go away by reading a scripture? Maybe. Did the lump in our throat go away by the kiss of another? Maybe. Did the aching in our head go away from the drug being absorbed? Maybe. When I consume those pills whether it is six or ten, I feel something. I forget about the bad and I forget about the memories of pain. I am not numb anymore. While I get that needle shoved in my skin more than a thousand times to be left with a beautiful piece of art on my body I feel so much burning and suffering that it feels good. It feels good to know that I am still alive to feel so much glory in that bed of mine, in the dark, with just me, myself, and a high.
